Friday, November 02, 2007
i went to yi shen's house yesterday, with isaac.
he's leaving for france for holiday with his family.
at his house, i think something that we (isaac and me) saw that changed our night entirely.
it's sad. really. how our friendship turned out. how our lives and goals become so diversified. i think we always knew that sooner or later things will come undone. and so, we are always prepared to accept the situation as it changes.
but i guess not everyone can be prepared for the hollowness and yearning that hits your heart when you look back at the pictures.
every picture we'd taken was a journey in our lives when we were together. i think that it's because we were still presumably sheltered from the reality of having to think about your future etc that we could truly immerse ourselves in that history we made together.
this may seem like the typical reminiscing of 'good times', it could be for all i know. but i felt that i had to express the heartfelt regret that i feel inside. there used to be quite a few of us. and we had a ball of a time together. some of us even went through some turbulent periods of our lives with the support from one another.
now, the people i hang out with are mostly just isaac, yi shen and sometimes johnny or alvin. it's not about the numbers. although i must say it was quite disheartening to see our numbers dwindle.

who was the idiot who said in chinese 'tian xia wu bu shan zi xi' ? faggot.

i didnt want it to end. at least not like this. where's a good fairytale when you need one. i know that deep down me, yi shen and isaac have never gotten over this. we may be angry, bitter or disappointed with certain things that happened, but we came so far together. on the surface we seem to have moved on and accepted that certain things just wont go the way we envisioned it to. but i think we only feel that because there's no way around.
i must admit that i am capitalising on this instance of self pity and emotional overdrive to say something like that. but it cannot be called irresponsible, because in my heart i truly care.
i cant recall your faces anymore. i cant remember your jokes, i cannot remember your laughter, nor your tears. i cant remember you at all. and all we have left are just photographs. and the saddest thing is that i can only manage to scramble back scant memories of what happened.

on something related, but not totally ...

if you read this, you know who you are. how could you do this to us ? after all our time together. you were our brother. do you know how much i defended you and vehemently believed in you ? i can relate to your strong desire to lead the life you dreamt of. but is it worth sacrificing our trust and our friendship ? with a single lie from you, you have severed your ties with us. or do you even care ? have you been blinded by your new found 'friends' and common goals in life ? you know how much it hurt me when i realise that you made use of our friendship and it pierced through my heart to see you nonchalant about it. i cant even imagine how much damage you've inflicted on your ties with yi shen. he was always there for you. and you can lie through your teeth even when we seriously were worried for you. maybe yi shen wont share his anguish, but i will.

you asked me for a thousand dollars. you could find it in your conscience and heart to ask me for that amount. you knew my circumstances. i couldnt even summon the will to buy a new pair of shoes after more than a year. i am not dirt poor, but i'm not even reaching the middle range. i could only provide you with a hundred. with implicit trust. never mind that i had to scrimp. never mind that i had to carry that emotional burden when my parents asked and i told them i blew the money on drinks. but i believed you were in trouble. can you imagine how much it hurt when one of my closest friend did that to me ? i remembered when i was pressured to spend $130 on something that was totally bullshit. you sat there and appeared as if nothing happened. you led me to the slaughter. even when i told you how i had to work like shit to earn that money back, you didnt even bother to say anything. you paved the way into the lion's lair with lies after lies. and to think i believed you and followed you in. i wish you all the best in getting to the top, but i regret to say that i wont be enjoying the view with you.

regretfully,
alson
by ~me~ at 10:16 PM ©

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